If You Are Grieving

If you are grieving

If you have come here because someone you love has died, or is dying, we are glad you found us. You do not need to read everything on this page. Start wherever you are.

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross spent her life listening to dying patients and grieving families. What she learned from them is still the heart of our work: grief is not a problem to be fixed. It is a natural response to love and loss. It does not follow a schedule, and no two people grieve the same way.

Grief is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a measure of how much someone mattered. The pain you feel is the other side of the love you shared, and that love does not end because a life has ended.

Every loss is different

The death of a parent, a partner, a child, a brother or sister, or a close friend each carries its own weight. A death after a long illness is different from a sudden one. A death that came with relief, or with unresolved conflict, can bring feelings that are hard to admit, even to ourselves.

Some losses are barely recognized by the people around us: a miscarriage, the death of a former partner, a death by suicide or overdose, the loss of a beloved animal. Your grief deserves room, whatever others make of it.

Elisabeth also saw that people respond in similar ways to losses other than death: a divorce, a serious diagnosis, the loss of a home, a job, or a way of life. If you are grieving something other than a death, you belong here too.

Grief can begin before a death

If someone you love is dying, you may already be grieving. Elisabeth wrote about grieving in advance for the losses still to come, and families often feel it as deeply as the person who is ill. This is not giving up on them. It is love preparing for what lies ahead.

If there is still time, use it. Say what needs to be said: thank you, I’m sorry, I forgive you, I love you. Elisabeth saw again and again that the words spoken before a death make the grief afterward easier to carry.

Grief comes and goes

Grief rarely moves in a straight line. It often comes in waves: a song, a smell, an empty chair, or an ordinary Tuesday can bring it rushing back. Some days will feel almost normal, and then a hard day arrives without warning. That is not a setback. It is how grief works.

There is no deadline. The first year is not a finish line, and you are not meant to “get over” someone you love. Over time, most people find that grief changes shape rather than disappearing, and that they learn to carry their love forward in new ways.

If you have been told there are five stages of grief and your grief does not look like that, you have not failed. Grief is far more complex than any list. The five stages were the beginning of a conversation, never the final word.

What you may be feeling is normal

Grief touches the whole person. Elisabeth taught that we are physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual beings, and loss can reach every part of us.

In the body: trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, exhaustion, feeling physically unwell. Rest when you can, eat what you can, and see a doctor if something worries you.

In the heart: sadness, anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, numbness, and sometimes relief. Many people move back and forth between pain and ordinary moments of the day. Feeling fine one hour and overwhelmed the next does not mean you are going backwards.

In the mind: difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, going over the same memories again and again.

In the spirit: questions about meaning, faith, and why this happened. Some people find comfort in their beliefs; others find their beliefs shaken. Both are part of grief.

Grief that is not expressed does not disappear

Elisabeth called it “unfinished business”: the words not spoken, the tears not cried, the losses we were never allowed to grieve. Grief that is held in tends to wait. Talking, writing, crying, and telling the story as many times as you need are not signs of weakness. They are how grief moves.

When to seek more help

Grief is not an illness, but sometimes it becomes too heavy to carry alone. Please reach out to a doctor, counselor, or grief support group if:

• you have thoughts of ending your life (see the numbers at the top of this page)
• you cannot manage daily life for a long stretch of time
• you are relying on alcohol or other substances to get through
• the death was sudden, violent, or traumatic
• you feel completely alone, with no one to talk to

Asking for help is not a failure. It can be an act of love for yourself and for the person who died.

If a child is grieving

Children grieve too, often in bursts and through play or drawing rather than words. Use clear, simple, honest language, including the word “died.” Phrases like “went to sleep” or “we lost him” can confuse or frighten young children. Let children ask questions, and let them choose whether to take part in goodbyes.

Elisabeth wrote The Dougy Letter in answer to a nine-year-old boy with cancer who asked her what life and death are, and why little children have to die. It remains a gentle way to begin these conversations. For families and schools, The Dougy Center offers excellent free resources on supporting grieving children and teens.

If your child has died, the MISS Foundation supports parents and families after the death of a child of any age, from any cause. Its Selah Carefarm, near Sedona, Arizona, offers bereaved families a place to spend time among rescued animals, where grief is met with compassion.

If you are supporting someone who is grieving

• Show up. A call, a meal, a short visit. People often stay away for fear of saying the wrong thing.
• Listen more than you speak. You do not need the right words. Your presence is the help.
• Say their name. Most grieving people want the person they lost to be remembered.
• Avoid quick comfort. “Be strong,” “everything happens for a reason,” or “it’s time to move on” can make people feel they must hide their grief.
• Never measure their grief against a model. No one is “stuck” or “behind” for not going through stages in order.
• Remember the hard days. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be especially painful, months and years later.
• Take care of yourself too. Caring for someone in grief can stir up your own losses.